


Save An El Camino, Ride A Mustache

by CharalampidisGruber



Category: My Name is Earl
Genre: Blow Jobs, Blow Jobs in a Car, Drunk Blow Jobs, F/M, FRICK MAN, Fingerfucking, Hook-Up, Mustaches, Oral Sex, Sex in a Car, Vaginal Fingering, and jason lee, frick, gross redneck people, i love them, just rednecks, mustache rides, rednecks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-01
Updated: 2019-08-01
Packaged: 2020-07-28 22:08:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20071369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CharalampidisGruber/pseuds/CharalampidisGruber
Summary: "No. 321:  Hooked up with a lady from the bar and got the best blowjob of my life. Was so drunk I just passed out afterward and she didn’t get hers. There's only one way to make that right."Do you wanna bang Earl Hickey? Same, fam, same.





	Save An El Camino, Ride A Mustache

You’d both frequented the Crab Shack and you’d been giving Earl Hickey the ‘fuck me’ eyes from across the bar for quite a few days. He seemed to like it. He wasn’t exactly good at hiding things. He’d give you a nod and crack a grin. 

His face was flushed and he’d been swaying a bit. That goofy, crooked smile plastered to his face. He was the only man in Camden County that had all of his teeth and they were in pretty decent shape too. He didn’t seem to know how to properly comb his hair but his sideburns framed his cheekbones nicely. He was tall and lean, wearing torn blue jeans and an AC/DC t-shirt that was full of holes. That night he was wearing a leather jacket instead of the usual button-down. It made that pasty-assed hick look mighty fine. 

He’d been clutching a green bottle of beer in his hand and had sloshed it all over his shirt. He slid onto the stool at your table and leaned in close. You could smell the beer on his breath and there was still a little foam clinging to that mustache. 

“Howdy,” Earl said, words slurring so bad you could hardly understand him. “I couldn’t help but notice that you was in desperate need of a fucking.”

You licked your lips. 

“You ain’t wrong,” You said. “You wanna skedaddle?”

Earl’s nod was a bit too enthusiastic but you didn’t mind none. You snatched him by the collar and dragged him outside. You led his lanky ass staggering through the parking lot. He chugged down the last dregs of his beer and tossed the bottle to the ground. The glass shattered and the shards glistened like emeralds in the moonlight. 

He fumbled with the keys to his car. Earl had himself a nice El Camino. You were more of a truck girl, liked laying in the bed and looking up at the stars. But this weren’t a night for romance. This was just a night for doing nasty things and treating Earl Hickey like he was just a slab of meat. He tried opening the passenger door like a real proper gentleman but he tripped on his own laces. You caught him before his face met with the pavement. You tugged him down, snatching a kiss from him. It were right sloppy. Right nice too. You shoved your tongue in his mouth and got a real taste of him, cigarettes and beer, like a real white trash man. 

You giggled and shoved him into the car. You pulled the door closed behind you. Earl was already sprawled out in the seats, brown eyes soaking in the sight of you in that tight dress. It didn’t really leave much to the imagination. Straddling him like a horse was getting you right wet. There were a million things you wanted to do to him but there was one thing in particular you’d been thinking about since the first time you saw him.

You wanted to ride his face until you screamed and shuddered and coated that mustache in cum. 

You undid his belt, nice and slow. Had to give him a good tease. He seemed to like it. Earl was nodding with an eager smile. His pecker was already rock hard. It was liable to rip open those jeans if you didn’t address this problem with haste. Earl’s grin widened when you unzipped his fly. He ran his teeth across his bottom lip in anticipation. You leaned over, brushing your lips against his. Feeling that mustache tickle the tip of your nose gave you goosebumps.

“I’m gonna milk you dry, Earl Hickey,” You whispered, voice low and husky. “How’s that sound?”

“Yeah yeah yeah yeah,” Earl chanted, nodding, eyes wide with excitement.

You slinked down. Wrapping your fingers around the base of his shaft. Skin hot and soft as velvet. You take yourself a taste, running your tongue from root to the soft tip. He lets out a curse. Making him squirm might just be the best damned thing in the world. You tease his head with your tongue, making gentle circles. His lips part and his breath rattles. 

The gentle stroking of his cock draws a desperate moan from Earl’s mouth. Even you can’t endure the teasing any longer. You want him between your lips. You want to feel him fill your mouth with his engorged cock. You take him in your mouth, slow, savoring the way his cock feels. 

“Shit,” Earl gasps.

You giggle. The vibrations of your laugh make him squirm. You work your hand at the base of his shaft as your head bobs. You suckle on the rosy pink head, exploring his cock with your tongue until you discover that sweet spot along the underbelly of his pecker. You fondle his sac and feel Earl’s hand rest on the back of your head. His fingers dig into your scalp as he gently eases your head up and down. 

Drool seeps out the edge of your lips and rolls down the curve of his member. The tighter he pulls your hair, the wetter you get. You restrain yourself from letting your free hand slide between your legs. You’ll be patient. You’ll wait for your turn. It’ll be worth it. Your jaw is starting to hurt. The deep pain radiates in such a satisfying way. You take him as deep as he can go. You feel the tip of his cock brush the back of your throat. 

Beads of sweat cling to his flushed face. Loose strands of his brown hair cling to his forehead as he squirms. 

“Fuck, come on, please?” Earl begs. “Shit, woman, I cain’t take it no more!”

You chuckle. You moan, deep and loud. You can feel the vibrations of it in your very bones. Earl curses. Gripping onto your hair. His cock pulses, four spurts of seed spill into your mouth. He tastes hot, tangy and a little sour. He gasps. Earl goes limp beneath you. You’re red in the face, crotch on fire and ready to feel that mustache tickle your clit. You lean back, wiping a drop of cum from the edge of your lip. 

Earl gives you a thumbs up. His hand falls to his side. You giggle like a schoolgirl, crawling over him. You’re more than ready now. You’re dying for it. He’s filled your belly now it’s his turn to have a taste of you. He starts to snore. Your expression drops. He passed out. He passed the fuck out on you. God damn it. You let out a sigh. You thought you were going to have the ride of your life and turned out it was just going to be you and your hand tonight. 

  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  
  


That redneck piece of shit Earl Hickey had called you up out of the blue. Now, he was a fine specimen of man but he was also a human trash fire. A sexy trash fire. But you hadn’t seen him in quite some time. After that night in his El Camino, he’d never called you back. He’d never reciprocated. You just assumed he was a douche but you never really let it go. You’d spent a few lonely nights flicking your bean to the thought of that god damned mustache.

He’d explained some nonsense about karma and a list over the phone. “I gotta make it up to you. We both know what that means unless there’s something else you want?” Earl said.

Oh no. You were getting exactly what you’d wanted from minute one. You got yourself right gussied up even though it probably wasn’t required. You put on your best freakum dress and heels. Painted your lips with your favorite lipstick, daytime hooker scarlet. He was waiting outside your house, in that same damned car. He honked the horn again. Asshole. The least he could do was come knock at the door or bring you some flowers or something. You look in the mirror. The final inspection before this long-overdue ride.

Earl craned his head out the window, eyes wide and mouth open like an idiot. He’s still as good looking as you remember. Your heels click on the hot concrete as you make your way to the El Camino. He scrambles out of the driver's seat and runs around the front. The engine is sputtering and rumbling as he opens the door for you. That doofy grin melts your heart and makes you weak in the knees. Fuck this trashy asshole for being so adorable. It doesn’t help that you know exactly what's about to go down too. 

“You look---wow---great!” Earl said. “I mean, I honestly didn’t remember what you looked like on account of me being so shit faced at the time so I was a little worried---no offense.”

“Maybe you should just drive, Earl,” You sighed.

He’s dumb but god damn is he a pretty one. Earl does his best to try and make conversation but it just isn’t happening. The truth is you didn’t really know each other very well back then and you still don’t. Staring at a person from across the bar doesn’t exactly give you an intimate look at their personal history. Maybe one day you’d get to know him but that didn’t matter right now. What needed to transpire solely involved him getting to know your snatch.

Earl had said he was going to find a nice spot out in the country. He said it would be a nice proper romantic spot for the two of you. Did it matter? There wasn’t really anything romantic about this situation. It was considerate of him though. Stupid, sweet, garbage can of a human being. He pulled off the dirt road, leaving a cloud of white dust in your wake. The sun had started to set. The summer twilight was still quite warm and the polluted air of Camden County hid most of the stars that were coming out. 

Earl parks the El Camino. The engine dies and he just looks at you, awkward as can be with that goofy smile. 

“I---uh--I brought a blanket if you wanna do it in the back,” Earl said.

“Sounds good,” You said.

He tucked the ratty old quilt under his arm and stepped out. You were pretty sure Earl didn’t know about your fantasies about sitting in a truck bed and looking at the stars but it made your tummy tickle anyway. He laid out the stained quilt in the bed of the El Camino. It looked like he’d dug it out of a dumpster and it probably was covered with fleas or crabs or maggots but you weren’t going to protest now. 

You grab him by his belt and yank him against your body. His cheeks flush and you grin. There is no way in hell you’re going to tell him how long you’ve dreamed about this. You say a silent prayer that things don’t end up as disappointing as last time. You don’t waste a minute. You kiss him. His lips don’t taste the same. There’s still that hint of stale beer but that’s it. Doesn’t matter, he’s still a damn good kisser. 

His stubble rubs you skin raw. Earl’s lips are smearing your lipstick all over your face. He squeezes your ass. Those eager hands rove over your curves as he plants buttery kisses along your neck. You bite your bottom lip, your legs squirming as he kisses your clavicle. Those rough fingers creep under your short skirt but he stops.

“Is it---okay if I uh---” Earl asked. 

“What?” You whispered.

“I mean,” Earl said, cheeks flushed. You can already feel his erection pressing against your thigh. “That was a really good blow job. It was like the best blow job I’ve ever had and I was drunk off my ass. I feel like I owe you---a lot?”

You grin. 

“Go for it, Earl,” You said. 

He stole another kiss from you. That mustache tickling your lip and his tongue slipping into your mouth. Your makeup is smeared all over his face. It’s like you’ve claimed him. His hand slips beneath your skirt, fingers probing between your legs. He moans as his thumb teases around your slick folds. Well, shit. It turns out Earl Hickey is damn good with his hands. He rubs your pip with his thumb. He nibbles on your neck, teeth grazing your skin. 

Two of his long fingers slip in. Your breath catches in your throat as he glides them in and out. How in the ever-loving fuck does that man know exactly where to stroke? His fingertips find that sweet spot and you whimper. Heat and pressure build between your thighs as he works his hand faster and faster. You cum hard. Really hard. Your walls twitching, drenching his fingers. Your legs quiver as you desperately try to catch your breath. The quilt is already damp. 

You chuckle nervously. Earl looks proud of himself. He should be. It was short and sweet. Damn sweet. 

“You ready for round two?” Earl asked.

“I--uh--yeah. Sure, whatever,” You stammered.

You get a hold of yourself. Earl wriggles around and you straddle him. Your hips hover over him. Looking down at him is the best feeling. It’s a power trip that you weren’t expecting but is most welcome. 

“Don’t disappoint me, Earl Hickey,” You said.

“I’ll do my best, ma’am,” Earl said.

It feels weird having him call you that but you let it slide. His hands rest on your wide hips. Your bottom lip quivers with anticipation. You ease yourself down. Just feeling his mustache brushing against that sensitive skin makes you shudder. He kisses your sex in an oddly tender way. He’s really sincere about paying you back. It fills you with a gross giddy feeling. You sigh as his tongue flicks across your clit. 

He pulls you down, closer. His nose is buried against your mound and that mustache, that blessed mustache, is rubbing your pip. You grind against his lips. His tongue sneaking between your slick folds. You have never known a redneck to go the extra mile in your whole life and you certainly didn’t expect it from him. You feel hot all over but your cunt is burning up like a nuclear reactor. Earl kisses it, tongues it like he’s making out with it. 

A fire dances up your spine and churns in your core. Your hips buck. He holds you steady. You can barely focus anymore. If he didn’t have a handle on you, it was likely you’d just grind into his face until you’d smothered him. Your moans grow more desperate as the pressure builds. The heat is unbearable. His mustache feels even better than you’d imagined. You’re burning up. It’s like stars and fireworks are popping off within you. 

“Shit, Earl, oh shit---” You gasped.

He digs his fingers into your hips, holding you down. He nuzzles his face into your sex. Your knees quake. Your walls clamp down. The pleasure washes over you. A heat trickling down from head to toe. Every hair on your body stands on end. You cry out into the twilight as sweat rolls down your back. You can barely hold yourself up. You thought his hands were good but this was infinitely better. This was like Christmas in fucking July. 

Earl helps you down. His mustache is drenched in your cum and glistening in the evening light. His smile is wide, he is very proud of himself, exceedingly so. Your hair is a mess, your makeup is running down your face as you look at him. You close your eyes, taking a minute to catch your breath. Your muscles still twitch. Your cunt still slick and on burning, hot and hungry for him. 

“You can cross me off that list, Earl,” You said.

“Are you sure?” Earl asked.

His eyes look hopeful. His quirked brow asking you a question that you did not realize you wanted him to ask.

“I mean, I never called you back or anything or bought you a drink,” Earl explained. “So I think I owe you some more?”

You grinned.

“But if you do all that, then I’ll be owing you,” You said.

“Then I guess we’ll just have to keep paying each other back,” Earl said.

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> This fandom may be dead but not to me.


End file.
